Belonging

Tonight I was stupid, rebellious, and pathetic.  But tonight, I was loved.

For the past few nights, my Darling Daughter and I have had a ritual that warms me to my core.  It goes something like this:

We sit in the recliner and I read or tell her stories.  As she settles down enough to go to bed, I pick her up to take her to the bedroom, but before we can she asks to cuddle with me and I politely, but firmly refuse.  This is where she asks if she can go to sleep on the couch in my office – and I relent.

After some restlessness (I don’t know where she gets this budding night owl approach), we turn off the light and I kiss her goodnight.  Soon, my DD asks if I will turn on music – so I fire up the gentle piano music on Fire.fm and the night grows magical.

With my DD carefully wrapped in a blanket, and quickly drifting off to sleep, Daddy continues to work, while she gently submits to sleep.  Listening to my George Winston station reminds me of the times I used to listen to this music as I drifted to sleep – years (decades?) ago.

Then the best part comes.  I gently lift her into my arms and walk this sleeping beauty to the bedroom.  I kiss her forehead lightly and relish the warmth in my arms.  I recall the laughter she’s brought into my life and I send up prayers of gratitude for this three and eleven-twelfths year old who has taught me how to be joyful and to live in the moment.

That other thing – oh, it was really dumb, and I’ll have to make amends for it.  But tonight, as I bask in the afterglow of my DD’s unrelenting love, I know that my value does not rely upon my actions – it is serenly much deeper than mere behavior.

My value doesn’t come from within.  No, my value is in my belonging.

This Dad gig…  best career I’ve ever had!