Iron Sharpens Iron
Recently, a Twitter friend, @peat, commented that “The process of teething would be a big mark against Intelligent Design in my book.” Having a child who is actively adding new teeth, I was drawn to this comment. Yet, at the same time, I have been pondering this comment all week. The phrase that kept coming back to me is the fact that “armor sharpens armor.” Or a more popular phrase, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
When you think about it, over the course of our lives, it is struggle and conflict that makes us more fit for the future we’ve not yet connected with. It is the challenges we faced as children that better prepare us to be adults. Albeit, not all of those challenges are easy, and some of the challenges that some children face take them out of the race.
Looking at US history, it was the two World Wars of the 20th Century that turned us into an International Superpower. Granted, these wars had a terrible price, and our goal certainly wasn’t to become the biggest dog, but those conflicts did leave us stronger than we were before.
The story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden is about an opportunity to mature. Whether you see this story as mythical or historical, there are great lessons to be learned. God could have put men in on earth with no possible way to stray, but this wouldn’t enable freedom of choice. By putting the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden, He gave them a choice. How they responded to this choice would determine their maturation process. It was all about character development.
As my son is learning to walk, I want to hover over him
As I survey my childhood, I’m struck by how hard it was. Granted, I was born with facial deformities and a shy temperament. This led to being ostracized, bullied, and dismissed as no one to be reckoned with. The emotional abuse and scars of my childhood nearly killed me. I was ready to quit. But now, in retrospect, I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. There is s strength in my soul that runs deep.
As my son is learning to walk, I want to hover over him and catch him whenever he looks like he’s going to fall. I want to protect him from the pain of falling. I don’t want to spend all day in the emergency department because he gets some huge laceration from the coffee table. But I know that in the long run this will inhibit his growth. Better that he learn to fall while he’s relatively close to the ground and moving at slow speeds, than wait for him to be behind the wheel of a two-ton, 400 hp, motor vehicle.
Currently I’m in the middle of a conflict with someone close to me. Frankly, it sucks. I want to escape. I want chuck the relationship. I want to tell him where to get off. But if I do that, I will be missing out on an opportunity to grow. This isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. It is about learning to accept people for who they are and communicating in a way that develops greater intimacy.
I’m not content with the shallowness
I’m not content with the shallowness of 21st Century, postmodern, Western-Civilization. I want something more. I’m not looking for quantity of relationships, I’m looking for quality. However, the cost-benefit of this process is sometimes difficult to measure. Most of us have not seen too many examples of confrontation that turned out well. When the pain gets too great, usually people bail on the conversation.
Parents divorce, siblings estrange, and employment contracts are terminated. We live in a litigious society where people sue one another for petty and serious issues. The cost of good communication, the cost of conflict is sometimes too great to bear.
Relationships usually go through a process. First there is the get acquainted phase. Then we move into the honeymoon phase. Many friendships never get past this phase. It is fun, simple, and safely shallow. In order to move past the honeymoon, there usually has to be conflict. Hopefully this conflict takes baby steps, but the deeper the relationship the stronger the conflict. Working through this conflict successfully will enable the relationship to move to a phase of common-unity. This is a great place to be, but I’ve only experienced a few times in my life.
Relationships usually go through a process
Wouldn’t it be great if kids had good conflict management/resolution role models in their homes? Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could be taught conflict resolution as a formal part of life’s lessons – like learning to drive?
My point is: don’t be afraid of conflict. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Accept it. Work through it.
I once watched a co-worker go through five marriages and divorces in three years. The interesting thing was that each woman he married was just like the other. They had similar personalities and temperaments, they had similar body-types and hair color. As a spectator, it was a sadly, fascinating thing to watch. In effect, this man married the same woman, five different times. I suspect that when the relationship reached a certain level, they were unable to resolve the conflict. Sadly, within a year after the last relationship, my coworker was dead from liver failure, brought on my alcohol and drug abuse.
It’s been said that people don’t change until the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could see that coming and accept life’s lessons as they come to us – and not wait for it to become so painful that we have to change?
The Pursuit of Happiness
“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” is one of the most famous phrases in the Declaration of Independence. In fact, most of Western Culture is based on our desire to persue happiness. Unfortunately, we have equated hedonism with happiness, when in fact service and sacrifice are often the best paths to happiness.
Recently, I came across the idea of sacrifice as a path to peace, joy, love, and untiy. Now I’ve made some significant sacrifices in my life, but I realize that I still have a small huge bit of selfishness that tends to rear its ugly head now and then all the time. I have been contemplating how I can better serve my family and I’ve come up with these little huge things:
- Eat better and exercise more. It is selfish of me to check out early. Not to be arrogant, but my family would be very hurt if I were to kick-off early. The more I can do to prolong my life, the more caring of them I can be. Sure, another cheeseburger and side of fries would be great, but am I really going to let my immediate gratification outweigh the need of my family to have their Dad around longer? (especially as an older Dad)
- Improve my discipline. I admit it, I am an undisciplined, out-of-the-box kind of guy. But again, if I can better order my life in order to better serve my family, I not only win by having more time with them, but I can help my kids avoid the perils of living life on the edge.
- Walk away from the keyboard. I need to wake up and smell the coffee. My wife could use a little more help around the house. Whether it be dishes, vacuuming, or other housework, if I could walk away from this pesky PC, I could help to relive some of her stress and workload. This would help her be a better Mom and would strengthen our relationship.
In a nutshell, that’s all I have for now. Less hedonism and more service, this is what our country’s fathers left out of the equation. True happiness comes from serving others – not from seeking selfish pleasure.
Six Random Things
Awhile back, September 29th to be exact, @portlandjosh (aka: Raging Dad), challenged me to post six random things about myself. In the spirit of self-disclosure, transparency, social networking, and not leaving a challenge unabated, here goes:
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
- I am a direct descendant of Roger Williams. Although Wikipedia rightly tags him as a theologian, the things that most impress me about Roger are his stand for religious freedom and the independent spirit of leaving Boston and founding Providence, RI. I resonate with that sort of independence and rebellion towards the status quo.
- My Great-Great-Grandparents emigrated to Oregon in the 1800s. They built a home on the Oregon Coast, in Alsea, and my father was born in the log cabin they built. In fact, they helped bury soldiers after Custer’s Last Stand at Little Bighorn.
- I was hospitalized over 10 times to correct facial birth defects. I was born with a bilateral cleft-lip and palate which, being one of the worst cases, took numerous surgeries to correct – in addition to 17 years of orthodontia.
- My first car was a 1965 Mustang. I would probably still have the car today, except someone ran a red light at SE 82nd & Foster and totaled my Mean Green Machine!
- I am a self-taught, bicycle-rider and self-taught, guitar player. At the age of four I kept picking up my friend’s bike until I learned how to ride. I will ride a bike in public, but I won’t play the guitar in public.
- I was awarded the Emergency Medical Services Impact Award in 1994 & 1995, by the State of Oregon. In 1994, this was given for my work as chair of the standardized EMS database committee – the first in the nation. In 1995, it was shared amongst my coworkers for our commitment to quality at Tualatin Valley Fire & Rescue.
So, there you have it.
(and here come the six, not so random links)
Confessing my Dad Attitude 