Daring Daylight Escapes
The firestorm of my week’s online social networking activies is just a smoldering pile of ashes now. First, there was the never-should-have-been-posted comments about the Real World. Then a couple of too-transparent-tweets. This was all followed by a couple of existential posts on authenticity and safety. My appearance on Strange Love Live, I thought, was going to be the end of the discussion. However, others have been nudged to participate, and I’ve been engaging in a flurry of verbose emails trying to further clarify myself.
I’m exhausted. It has been a long, long week. I need a vacation, and here’s the good news, we are getting on an airplane in Two days. I can’t wait.
As I wind up things, preparing for ten days away, I’m slowing the momentum down and preparing to bring life to a stop. Today was a good prep for being gone.
My 3 year old Darling Daughter and I loaded up in the car to go find treasure and adventure on the otherside of the bridge. She loves to cross the Mighty Columbia and the Lewis and Clark Bridge. There is something about the enormity and structure that draws her in. To her, we don’t cross the bridge, we go in it – which is actually the truth.
We were headed to Kelso to pick up an item I’d found through the Freecycle Network. A family had a children’s school desk to get rid of, and since we plan to homeschool, we are in need of one. I’ve found that if I leave the radio and iPod off when I’m with my kids, I learn more than some of the brightest minds out there. Not only does my DD talk, but she asks hard questions (e.g. “Why is the bridge big?” “Why does it take so long to get there?” “Why are those boxes on that ship?”). Learning to navigate the answers, in simple, concrete ways, helps me to better understand the world around me.
Not only was the Freecycle desk in great shape, but I think we made new homeschooler friends. Nice people!
Feeling a bit hungry, we decided to get a burrito before our next stop. I looked over and saw a kids gymnastics place and quickly made a left turn into their lot. The sign said, “Now Enrolling Preschoolers!” DD and I took a tour of the place, quieried their prices, and watched other three year-olds do their stuff. While one of us was figuring out that a year of weekly gymnastics would cost the family $420 bucks, the other one had already decided she was ready to join right now! One of us understands the value of money and the other clearly has some things to teach her Dad about the value of being with people.
We managed to extricate ourselves from that place without tears, but only after promising to talk to Mommy about the opportunity. 
Our next stop was the Longview College of Beauty. In my never-ending quest to find someone who can cut hair as well as I can, without charging me a day’s wages, I decided to take The Wife’s advice and try this place out. With my ever-diminishing crop of hair, and my apparent lack of concern for personal grooming, I figure, how much damage could they do. It’s a fact that my Mom used to take me to the Montivilla Beauty School when I was a puppy.
Well, the student didn’t do that great of job, but her teacher did a fine job of cleaning it up. Either way, it was worth the $8 bucks! The best part of the experience was for my Darling D though. She loved being in a beehive of people. Not only were 
there about 40 young women for her to watch, but they were playing with “doll” heads and doing lots of interesting stuff. We never needed the coloring books or puzzles we brought along.
This is just a precurser of the weekly dates I plan to have with my Darling Daughter, and later my Smiling Son. Not only do I want to give The Wife some time to herself (one of the best gifts I could ever giver her), but I want my kids to know their Dad. DD is of an age where I can take her into public venues and meetings, while not being concerned that I will lose the reason I originally came.
My Dad used to take me to work all the time. I’d sit on the fender of some bouncing piece of heavy equipment – and I loved every moment of it. Looking into the face of my three year-old when we got home, it was clear, our day of discovery and adventure was filled with priceless, irreplaceable treasures.
Safety or Authenticity: Is it good to self censor? (Part II)
Whoa! Looks like I hit a chord with this post on authenticity. The number of hits tripled and the length (and number) of comments is cool! I don’t have a lot of time tonight, but lets see if I can provide a little feedback for now…
@greghughes, I already replied to you via Twitter, but there were a couple of things that resonated through your comment. The first is the idea of doing “the next right thing.” That was a good reminder for me. The problem is that what appears right to me, may not always seem right to my employer, my stakeholders, my constituents, or my friends and family. My filters are weak – which is why I need a solid moral compass to keep me out of trouble, on my own, I’m not smart enough to figure this stuff out.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
The other thing that resonated was that being right doesn’t mean being correct. My Dad drilled that into my head when he was teaching me to drive. His words, “you can have the right away, but you don’t want to be dead right.” This is the real issue I’m struggling with. If I were totally freelancing, I could handle building my own brand and establishing a unique identity. But, since I am an employee of an organization with some longstanding traditions and expectations, I have to be careful that I’m not too out of the box for them.
To most people, growth and change need to take place, but only if it’s NIMBY!
@blogan, I really appreciate your comments. Since I kind of know you, and I know you understand the traditions and constraints in which I operate, I feel like you’re really grasping the gist of my angst. (not that others aren’t – heh!)
I agree that we don’t have to tweet and blog every mundane act of our lives. This is the primary complain of those who don’t get FaceBook and Twitter, et al. However, as one who has internalized most of my emotions most of my life, it is nice to have an outlet to vent frustrations now and then.
My wife, who is very verbal, demonstrative, and expressive lets no emotion/feeling go unexpressed (more or less). Sighs, outbursts, etc are a regular occurrence with her. In fact she speaks words and sometimes I never know whether shes talking to me, the kids, the dog, or herself. I, on the otherhand, am challenged in this arena. I don’t vent, I just explode.
So, for me, Twitter is an experiment in venting – which is giving me courage to learn how to vent, verbally, and appropriately. Believe me, there is still much self-censorship taking place.
It’s the whole inauthentic thing that I’m trying to address. From my research, and from personal experience, it is the lack of authenticity that is keeping people away from church in droves. In addition, the lack of transparency is keeping churches in the nursing home business. We bring people in and care for them, but we aren’t providing a good pathway for recovery – like a hospital would.
So, as you said, I hope to lead the way by being the example. Some aren’t going to like this though. It may come across as pious, it may come across as TMI – either way, I have to be myself.
My desire for authenticity is not an ego thing. And I’m not so sure that people do care, that much, about the mundane in my life. However, like you suggested, the more I share, the more people feel trusting enough to share with me.
All my life I’ve been accused of being arrogant and aloof. That actually wasn’t what was going on in my soul. Instead, I had this great fear that I would be discovered to be a fool. I took to heart the phrase that says: “better to remain silent and be thought a fool, rather than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
As I’ve matured, gained confidence, and recovered some of my sanity and serenity, I’ve realized that I’m not a fool and that the more transparent I am, the more I’m trusted. So, for me, it is about paving the way to better relationships.
You mentioned the fighting-with-your-wife-putting-on-a-smile scenario. I do believe there are times when we need to buck up and not vomit our stuff all over other people. They don’t want to hear it, and you don’t want them to know.
However, who of us hasn’t sat in a meeting/class and leaned over to someone sitting next to us to ask “what in the world is this guy is talking about?” When I tweet that a meeting is mundane, or boring, I’d be willing to say it out loud to a trusted friend, or IM it to my brother across the room (which we used to do all the time).
Is this right? No. Should I stop? Yep. Does it set a good example? Absolutely not. Am I human? Sigh, yes I am.
To answer your question regarding would I be willing to share in person what I share online, the answer is yes – without a doubt. but sometimes we have to wait for the right opportunity. Whether I do it online, with my wife, or a close confident – some of talking it out is practicing how I want to say it when the opportunity comes.
One only gets one opportunity to have the crucial conversation. I want to make sure I don’t wound, maim, or repel the other party.
Is there some self-discovery there? Yes. I’ve been doing that through journaling for years and it helps me better communicate who I am when I write it out. But there is something about a journal post stored on my HDD, or locked into G-Docs that seems so, so void. Putting it out there for feedback is truly a learning experience for me.
I can take the heat, but I’m not sure ALL my readers can handle the transparent and naked me. If the heat were merely social, I’d be fine. However, there have been not-so-veiled threats towards my employment status, my success, and other areas that could greatly affect my family.
With my family at risk, I suddenly get more careful.
@charlene, (If that’s your real name? 😉 ) Thanks for the feedback, both here and on Brent’s blog (http://blogan.net/blog/2008/10/03/self-censorship-online/). Maybe the answer, for me, is a more carefully concealed “super-seekrit” blog. I thought my Leadership Musings blog was hidden, but somehow, I had links to it in my main blogroll and in other locations. Stoooopid, I know, I blew it.
I was writing as if I were writing to myself, and in the meantime, some of the people mentioned had already subscribed to the feed. Sheesh.
I agree with you about balance. In fact, I see that balance point every time I swing past it. But to me, that’s the learning curve. If those who lurk my posts could allow me the tolerance of friendship, and a margin of error, they might learn stuff that is beyond what I can reveal in the meat space. But, I know that is hard.
As you said, the Millennials seem to have an easier time with this. I too am on the fringe of the BabyBoomer/GenX division. I related more to GenX before I had kids, but now that I’m approaching 1/2 a century, with a wife and kids, I seem to be less GenX.
But, when I look at others on the other end of the spectrum, clearly post WWII babes, I know that I have little in common with their values and visions. Indeed, many of the GenXers I associate with, tend to be more conservative and less adventuresome.
I am a quintessential early adopter and adventure is one of my core values (except when it comes to food ). Relationships are also a core value of mine – this was a bit of a surprise when I discovered that, but it’s true – even though I am an introvert.
Thanks for your thoughts (everyone) – I can’t tell you how affirming, thought-provoking, and enlightening this conversation has been for me!
Here are two more links dealing with the same issue:
http://www.interact2008.com/blog/2008/09/does-twitter-breed-lack-of-athenticity/
Safety or Authenticity: Is it good to self censor?
For the past several months I’ve been experimenting with socialnetworking. In the past, my online activity has been hidden behind a subterfuge of handles and anonymous comments. However, three things conspired to draw me into the the vast arena of Web2.0.
First, my previous experience with CompuServe (back in the early 90s) and some recent experience with MySpace. Next, I kept hearing about Twitter, in multiple venues, so decided to give it a try. Finally, due to some illness in our home last year, I wasn’t able to get out as much as I’d like. These three opportunities convinced me to dive in with both typing fingers – so-to-speak!
My first PC had a 4800 Baud modem and a free month of CompuServe. On CompuServe, there were forums, chat rooms, IM, and a host of other sharing tools. These were heady days, almost pre-Internet – at least before the tubes went fully public. It wasn’t long before I’d upgraded my modem to 9600, then 14.4k, then 33.3k. I learned the foundation of my tech experience dealing with those modems.
It wasn’t long before CompuServe was swallowed up by the first dot.com bubble and users were left to their own devious devices. Socialnetworking has been a part of the Net from the beginning, and it never really went away, it has just gone through various permutations.
Twitter was the key for unlocking the world of 21st Century Socialnetworking. Somehow, I connected with the right people and my network of friends took off! Then, with my need to stay home, I found friendship and intelligent dialog online. Through these connections, I revived my interest in blogging (I first blogged in 1997). Also, various tools became a regular part of my explorations into the Internets.
Recently, I was bitten though. Twice actually. First, I thought I had a super-seekrit “leadership” blog, but it turns out it was not secret and was being widely read by the people I most was keeping it from. I just needed a place to process, a place to get some limited feedback from my mentors and coaches, and a place to vent. Unfortunately, I didn’t do a good job in protecting that.
Today I was informed that people have been lurking on my Twitter stream and have been offended by some of my comments. So, my first reaction was to lock down my Twitter stream and make it private. This would involve shutting off the FaceBook link, the FriendFeed link, the Netvibes link, and the widget on one of my websites. It would mean cutting off the identica stream, the Plurk posts, the Pownce posts, and the Jaiku, Tumblr, BrightKite, Shizzow, Kwippy, and Plaxo feeds.
As I think through this, I see another option. Can you say, self-censorship? This is really unappealing to me too. I’ve been self-censoring my whole life. I became an alcoholic trying to stop the self-censorship, and that didn’t turn out so hot. So, I thought I found a venue where I could be real, authentic, and transparent. But apparently this is hurtful to some.
What to do? What to do?
What I’d like to do is invite the lurkers to put their lives on the line. Join the conversation, participate, call me out when you disagree. It is only through open and honest dialog that we can grow together. Self-censorship nearly killed me the first time, I don’t ever want to go back to that state.
Here’s what I’ve learned though. People would rather I be safe, than transparent. To be safe, in this broken shell of a human, I’d have to self-censor. So, does that make the “stuff” inside go away? Nope. It just stuffs it down deeper. In my value system, I’d rather people share what’s on their hearts and be healthy, rather than stuff-it and be unhealthy. I am opposed to pretense and facades. I’m all about authenticity.
If I turn off my feed, stop tweeting, or self-censor, I will end up back in the cave. The loss is that the 90% of good tweets will be lost with the few negative ones. Is that worth the price? I’d love to hear some feedback?
Confessing my Dad Attitude 