Lead Us Without Changing Us!
What a day it has been, First I was confronted by a delegation from one of the organizations I lead. They want me to continue leading them, but only if I do it their way. Doesn’t really make sense, because they don’t need me if I do it their way.
Then I get back to my office and my Internet connection is broken. I tracked it down to some wires and switches. However, I just didn’t have the energy to figure out which wire wasn’t plugged in correctly to the switch. Someone had been messing with it and I just didn’t care.
On the way home I was praying that I could get out on the water. I was thinking about taking my family out on the canoe, but that just seemed like a lot of work. I was thinking about going out alone, but that too seemed like a lot of work. Just then the phone rang!
It was my friend Vern. He owns the computer repair shop right next to the Columbia County courthouse in St. Helens. In addition, he gets out on his kayak about 5-6 times a week. He wanted to know if I wanted to go out. Perfect!
We met under the Lewis and Clark Bridge, the one that joins Rainier to Longview over the mighty Columbia River. Now I’ve not been in a kayak since I spent two weeks in one on Glacier Bay Alaska – in 1991!
They want me to wear a tie, and coat
The delegation that confronted me was an interesting bunch. They want me to wear a tie, and coat when I meet with them. They want me to keep their traditions, but they want to grow. They don’t want me to do anything to make them feel uncomfortable, but they say they’re ready to change. It would be funny if they weren’t so serious.
I told them that I may not be the right guy to lead them. They wanted to meet again and have me bring a written statement of my vision for them. I said no. They aren’t ready for what I have to tell them.
There were times when I was impressed that I didn’t throw one guy out of my office. He all but called me a liar a couple of times. The old Gary would have thrown him out. The maturing Gary just said, “I could take offense with what you just said, but I choose not too.”
Nevertheless, by the end of the conversation (which turned out well, despite the one saboteur, I was feeling spent. I just wanted to escape. So I put off the big projects that needed doing, and just focused on small, procrastinating tasks.
I forgot just how much I missed the water until I moved back to Oregon. I forgot how cool our big rivers are until getting close to them – in a canoe or kayak.
They all conspired to speak peace into this ravaged soul
We saw some cormorants, a pair of eagles, some osprey, and a the remaining splash of where a beaver took cover as we passed. And then, when we were about a mile or so from where we put in, the sun had gone down. So we stopped to mount our lights. That’s when we were approached by Federal Security officers in a boat. They told us we had to stay 500 yards from the ship along the shore (see diagram).
I needed that little ride
When we completed our six mile loop around Lord Island, I was sweaty, exhausted, and cleansed. I needed that little ride.
There is something about the gentle lapping of water on the hull of the boat. There is something incredibly peaceful about listening to the breeze blow through the ubiquitous cottonwood trees on the banks of the river. That combined with the sunset and beautiful crescent moon. They all conspired to speak peace into this ravaged soul!
Revenge of the Nerd
Yesterday was a busy day. It seems like our weekends are always quite busy! Some thoughts have been rolling around in my head for the last day or so. Ever since my wife made the comment about how social I was at our friend’s backyard party yesterday. It got me to thinking about some stuff.
Creative, thinkers, people who are doing their best
First, we went out to Vernonia to see some friends, then we cruised on over to Sellwood to be a part of @camikaos and @drnormal‘s Tiki Party. I met them both through Twitter and have had a couple of face to face meetings – they are cool! It is fun to have cool friends. Creative, thinkers, people who are doing their best to live in harmony with the rest of the world. I think everyone they invited to this party is in that category (present company excluded, of course 🙂
We had a great time! @drnormal‘s band played and they were awesome! Met some new folks, connected with some more Twitter folks, and met some Twitter folks that I’ve never met in person before! @camikaos was a great hostess. Even the kids had a great time!
I have never seen you be so social
As we drove home, Mommy said to me: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that social.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I have never seen you be so social. You usually hang back and don’t introduce yourself to people.”
I’ve been processing her observation
I’ve been processing her observation and the events of yesterday. Here is my basic analysis:
- First of all, there have been many posts written by people all over the blogosphere about how Twitter unlocks the social potential in all of us. Just the other day @geekmommy, in Denver, said that upon first meeting Twitter friends, she is able to skip the preliminary conversations about the weather and jump right into meaningful relating. I’ve found this to be true myself.
- The big revelation though is the authenticity I feel amongst my social networking friends. Those that use Twitter as a socialnetworking tool, not just an ego posting device, find that they have instantly widened their circle of friends. In addition, most tweeters blog – and are involved in Friendfeed, Delicious, etc. So, really, their whole life is online. It isn’t that hard to know someone pretty transparently.
- The final observation is that I don’t have any games to play with these folks. They don’t affect my paycheck, my lifestyle, or my neighborhood. I can just be me.
When I am around people that I am supposed to lead, motivate, supervise, mentor, coach, or counsel, I get all stuffed up. I don’t know why? Actually, they say you revert back to your stress personality when you are stressed. So, when I don’t feel accepted, I am stressed and turn back into an introvert.
It is really funny. I spent the first 20 years of my life as an ostracized outsider. I was shy, introverted, and always picked last for sports – even though I am quite athletic. The next 10 years were a period of transition, and now I am often invited to hang with the cool kids. It is truly the revenge of the nerds.
On Twitter, and other socialnetworking sites, I can pretty much be myself. But in other real life venues, I have an image to uphold – or, worse, people put me on a pedestal and I’m not able to step off, unless they let me. I tell them, I’m just Gary – but they don’t listen. I tell them that I fail, I fall, and I have struggles just like everyone else, but they don’t believe me. And when I do make a mistake, they don’t forgive me and move on.
I spent the first 20 years of my life as an ostracized outsider
In my real life, I keep hearing rumors about complaints people have. They won’t talk to me about it, but they’ll throw rocks behind my back. On Twitter, or one’s blog, people will tell it to you straight. In real life, not so much.
I think this is why I feel more outgoing and authentic with my socialnetworking friends. I know they’ll be honest with me.
Now, my opportunity from this is to be authentic with people, regardless of what is going on in their head, their heart, or their gossip.
It Don’t Come Easy!
I come from a long line of workaholics. My Dad taught me to work until the job was done – even if that meant having little kids stand around holding dying flashlights on the task at hand. So, really, I come by it honestly!
It was a real shock when I had my first job away from home. The crew started putting things away before quitting time – regardless if the task was finished or not.
At college I worked for plant maintenance. One day we were putting in a new sidewalk in front of the boys dorm. My boss actually told me to slow down, I was digging too fast. He might as well have been speaking Chinese, I didn’t know ho
w to dig slower.
My boss actually told me to slow down, I was digging too fast
Tonight I ran into a friend. His son was recently caught steeling medications from his employer. Yes, to feed an addiction. Not only was he fired, but now he is staring down the barrel of a felony theft charge. My friend gave his son an ultimatum to call me and we’ve been meeting. I’m not a drug counselor and I’m not a therapist though. I’m a life coach. That’s all.
When my daughter was born, a mere three and a half years ago, it suddenly occured to me that I was reliving my Dad’s life. Not all of it, mind you, just the 80+ hours a week part. I have always worked more than I needed too. Not for money, but because I loved what I did.
Even when I was going to grad school, I didn’t get enought sleep. Between student government, a part-time job, voluntarism, and school, I once figured I was putting in 110 hour weeks. That left very little time out of a 168 hours for eating, sleeping, spiritual growth, exercise, and relationships. I have been seeking balance ever since.
But several years out of grad school, now married, and with a two year old daughter, I suddenly realized that if I didn’t make changes soon, my kids would grow up with the same lonely hurt inside of them that I grew up with. I was not going to let that happen.
if I didn’t make changes soon, my kids would grow up with the same lonely hurt inside of them
In the Fall of 2006 we took a week off and went into the Rocky Mountains for a family retreat. No phones, no Internets, no distractions (like TV). We stayed in a 100 year old, refurbished log cabin and just had a great time together. We read, we hiked, we played, and we slept. It was great.
Upon our return home, I began to make drastic changes in the number of hours I worked. It wasn’t easy. It never is. Change is hard.
My friend stood there in shock. Absorbing…absorbing…absorbing……
Now, almost a full two years later, I am proud to say I have my average well below 50 hours a week. I still have work to do on being emotionally available. It is one thing to be physically present, but if I still have a keyboard in my hands (desktop, laptop, crackberry, phone, etc) – I’m still not there. We haven’t achieved perfection yet, but we have made progress!
So, as my friend is telling me things about his family, little bits and pieces slip out here and there. Pretty soon I couldn’t contain myself anymore. You see, though I lack compassion, I make up for it with intuition and insight. Finally I said, “Your family is in crisis.”
I’ve found that some people handle being beaned with a 2×4 much better than others. Some will cover their heads, cower, and run for shelter. This is the preferred method for most comfort-seeking Americans. However, there are a few who will take the ball and run with it.
My friend stood there in shock. Absorbing…absorbing…absorbing…… “You’re right,” he finally replied.
“You’re going to have to take drastic measures to save them.”
And then I went on to suggest some harsh realities and remedies. To paraphrase, I told him to quit digging so fast. Slow down. (Ironic, isn’t it?)
It wasn’t an easy conversation for me to have. Through it I realized that I still have a lot of growing to do myself. I know that in just over a decade, my kids will begin to exclude me from their lives and I will cease to have significant relevance for them. I know that I could be having the other side of this conversation in just a few short years, especially if I don’t continue to grow as a person, as a husband, and as a dad.
less stress, more peace, and greater satisfaction
First thing is that I need to take care of myself. As an older Dad (approaching 50 at the speed of sound), I have to begin to take active care of my body. I need to find appropriate ways to get recharged (I’m an introvert. I need to be alone to recharge. This is hard to do with a family.). I also need to continue to keep my mind fresh, sharp, and pure (shouldn’t be too hard, especially given tat I’m still taking classes for my MA). I also need to continue to grow spiritually.
First thing is that I need to take care of myself
Second, by taking care of myself, I’m not giving my family the leftovers. You know, like when you throw a dog your table scraps, or suck the last of that Burgerville fresh-seasonal-fruit smoothie from the bottom of the cup? If I stay fresh, healthy (emotionally, physically, socially, psychologically, etc), then I can give to my family the overflow.
When I don’t take care of myself, I tend to be more of a jerk: grouchy, crabby, sleepy, and I want to escape.
Finally, when I take care of myself, and I take care of my family, I have more to give my job, my friends, and my extended family. I live with less stress, more peace, and greater satisfaction for a life lived in success.
But it’s like learning to ski in deep powder snow. The first time I tried it on One Bowl at Mt. Hood Meadows, I spent most of the time digging my skis out of four-foot deep snow and cleaning my goggles. By the end of the day, about every seventh turn felt like I was flying. “Ah! This is why people love powder!” I would think, right before making another soft somersault in a cloud of wonderful snow.
Most skilled artisans didn’t come out of the womb that way
Most skilled artisans didn’t come out of the womb that way. They had to work at it. Most of us weren’t born good parents. Ha! Most of us didn’t even have good role models. “This is hard work,” I told my wife recently. It takes practice to become the parent. It takes hard work to become the husband that I would want my wife to be married to.
Ringo was right, “It don’t come easy.”
Practice, practice, practice…
Confessing my Dad Attitude 