The Balance between Success and Family
I’ve put off writing this post for three days. A whirlwind of thoughts swirl through my head in a cacophony of ideas. Several events in the last few days have come together in a cloud of reason and I am inspired to share my thoughts. Let me back up for a moment and share the events; then, with a little brevity, I hope to show their connections.
- First, there was a post at the Portland UrbanMamas site.
- Then, I read some verbose and vitriolic comments regarding the future of Twitter and other microblogging sites.
- Earlier this week I read a great article about food pilgrimages in Newsweek.
- Finally, to bring this all together was a great presentation I attended at Wieden+Kennedy in Portland. The event was sponsored by Legion of Tech and featured Gary Vaynerchuck.
So where am I going with this disparate collection of events? Well, I’m going to try to put some things into perspective.
Over the last three and 1/2 years I’ve become increasingly aware at how tough it is to be a Mom in 21st century America. It seems to me that the mothers of our children live in a constant state of guilt and shame – never doing enough, not doing it right, and living under this impending doom that their children are being ruined.
My conversation with @thiskat just heightened that awareness. She talked about her vision to create a flexible workspace where other parents could share childcare, office space, and camaraderie. I’ve heard her mention this on Twitter, but to talk to her in person – using more than 140 character sentences – was even more enlightening. I never really realized how demanding a role this is until my darling daughter was born 3-1/2 years ago.
Gary Vaynerchuck runs a retail and online wine business that grosses around $50million a year. He understands viral, word-of-mouth marketing. He understands personal branding. AT the beginning of his presentation Tuesday night, he said, “I do this because my family is important.” A few minutes later he said that the way to be successful, like him, was to produce, produce, produce – work 12 hour days, answer every email (he answers 5000/week), and just invest yourself.
What I heard Vaynerchuck saying was, “because my family is so important, I’m willing to be out of balanced and produce.” Granted, this is my paraphrase, but this is what I heard. So, during the Q&A, I asked him, “How can you justify being so out of balance when you say your family is so important.”
I was surprised by the eloquence of his reply. In a nutshell he said, “know the players.” Know the strengths and weaknesses of your family and adjust yourself accordingly. That was brilliant! I immediately saw the strength and the potential abuse of that philosophy. But taken at face value, it was a brilliant reply.
It was also obvious from his reply that he didn’t have children. As many will attest, kids aren’t so flexible when it comes to long hours, cross-country absences, and other adjustments made for the sake of success.
Then, the rest of the pieces began to fall into place. The Newsweek article referenced above talked about the folly of looking for enlightenment through exotic foods – especially given the carbon footprint of those global excursions. Indeed, the intensity in which people are discussing the future of socialnetworking seems a bit misplaced – especially given the recent disasters in Myanmar, China, and even the US Midwest.
Our society once dreamed of an increasingly growing Leisure Culture. One in which the computers would do the work and people would be free to pursue enlightenment and recreation. Quite the opposite, we find ourselves falling into increasing busyness. Once we get past the how-are-you?-I’m-fine. part of the conversation, people begin to talk about being tired and busy, or busy and tired.
Indeed, because of the pressures of our employers, our own desires for success, and the need to escape our indebtedness, we are finding our kids increasingly are being raised by other people. Single-parents, double-income households, and other situations require us to put our kids into daycare. This is frequently necessary, but not always.
My real point is this: Social networking will work itself out, your kids may not. My personal brand will be what it will be (and I can always reinvent it), but I’ll never get a second opportunity to have the first 10 years of my kids’ life – and I won’t be able to reinvent my kids.
Vaynerchuck was absolutely right! I have to know the players. I chose to marry the wife I did, till death separates us, and I am still thrilled by that choice. But given the pressures of her role as a Mom, I can’t work 80 hours a week anymore. She needs more of me. She needs opportunities to have some time away from the kids.
And when I look at how cool my kids are, and I realize I won’t get a second chance with them, I know that I don’t want to even work 60 hours a week. Fifty is pushing it.
The best way to support my kids is to support my wife.
“When Mama’s happy, everyone’s happy!”
I love being a Dad! I love my family! I want to avoid some of the crazy mistakes my parents and grandparents made. I made a choice a couple of years ago to stop working 80 hours a week. It has been an uphill struggle, but I’m still a work in progress.
I’m trying to find that balance, but it is hard. I have cut my hours, but I haven’t figured out how to go to bed on time, or be more emotionally available while I’m not working. But I’m still on that journey to find a balance.
In 1984, on his Scarecrow album, John Mellencamp said this:
“I know there’s a balance, ‘cuz I see it when I swing past”
That’s what I’m working towards – balance!
I’d love to hear about your journey toward balance?
Not Now, Not Yet, Not Ever
As a young, ambitious firefighter, coming straight from my father’s employment, I made a statement that was wise and unwise at the same time. Firefighting and other emergency services are often described as “long periods of boredom, punctuated with moments of extreme terror.” So, to fill some of those times, we had time to sit around the table and chew the fat.
So, one morning, over coffee and the morning paper, I burst out with the kind of comment that only a 22 year old punk would dare utter in front of people who have dedicated their lives to their profession.
“Well, I’m not going to be a firefighter my whole life – this is a dead-end job.”
This, and other unwise quotes haunted me during my 20 years in emergency services. Unwise, because it was judgmental and demeaning to those who had no other ambitions or job skills. Wise, because as one with an entrepreneurial spirit, I knew I craved challenge, adventure, and the opportunity to explore my potential.
Fast-forward 15 years and you’ll find me managing paramedic operations for one of the premier emergency services organizations in the country. Some would think I had it goin-on. However, I was again growing bored and restless. By the time my father was 35, he’d already tried and failed at his first business – and came out well into the black! He went on to head three more companies before retiring.
But why would one want to work for themselves? Besides the long hours and no pay, one is also never allowed to take a vacation, sleep with the phone turned off, or depend upon a regular income. At least in the first few years this is true. If one is successful and is able to scale their business, it may be possible to relax a little and reap the benefits.
Yet, entrepreneurs are notoriously unsatisfied with the status quo. There is this constant tension between the now and the not yet. Many self-employed people are never satisfied with the now, the keep pursuing the not yet. That was my struggle working at a public agency. The bureaucracy of management, committees, county commissions, city councils, state agencies, and the like became almost too much to bear.
As a street paramedic, at least in the early days of EMS, one could have considerable freedom. Yet as EMS matured, even that was controlled. Later, as a leader in the EMS comunity, I sought to empower my paramedics and lead EMS into the 21st century. But after awhile, I realized, I could only lead as fast as my employer was willing to let me.
Leadership guru, John Maxwell, talks about the law of the lid. Wherein one is only able to lead as much as their superiors will let them lead. At 35 years old, I’d had enough and I walked away from a very fruitful and rewarding career in emergency services. During the last 15 years I’ve dabbled in a lot of stuff.
I was managing technical services at a small university in Southern California. Then, I was their business manager. During grad school, I again dabbled in the tech services area before moving into a role coordinating a national conference and some other miscellaneous web development and mentoring.
In the last couple of months, I’ve come to the conclusion that as long as I’m working for someone else, I can only excel in the areas they allow me to excel in; I can only push forward into the future as fast and as far as they are willing to go themselves; and, I have to accept that – or make changes in my career choices.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the job/task/role/career I cannot change;
To change the job/task/role/career I can change;
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I’ve spent most of the last 35 years banging my head against brick walls and seeking to change the environment in which I’ve found myself. I have been successful in many ways. I could list the contributions I’ve made to the field of emergency services – some continue to save lives around the country. However, head banging has never brought me particular joy.
Learning to accept my station in life, my role as an employee, and my inability to significantly change any organization has led me to this one conclusion:
Being a Dad is the best role, occupation, title I’ve ever held. I believe that from now on I’ll let my avocation be fathering. My occupation is just a way to pay the bills. Heaven knows how much room I have for improvement as a Dad – probably much more room for improvement here than my employer has (or desires).
I really can’t change my employer that much. I can’t really change my career field that much. But I have massive input into my kids and the better I serve as a father, the more opportunity they have to avoid some of my mistakes, frustrations, and addictions.
I love being a Dad and I’m not going to let anything stand in the way of being the best Dad I can be. In fact, if I’d known how cool this Dad thing is, I would have gotten my act together a long time ago!
Priorities
When I was in my 20s, I used to party. A lot. Most of my co-workers were a bit older and most had families at home. I always felt like there was a bit of resentment towards me. I could play, they had “responsibilities.” One day, my boss’s boss told me that there are three priorities in his life: family, work, and church. “That’s why I work so much,” he said. “To provide for my family.”
That man went on to be a very successful fire chief in the area and still continues to be a mover and a shaker in the emergency services universe. His beautiful daughters are well educated, married well, and are living their own successful lives.
A few years later I heard someone, I think it was Garth Brooks (??), who proclaimed: God, family, and country. I thought that sounded pretty good. Then I remembered something I heard on the radio in one of those 60 second sound bites: “Put yourself first. If you don’t recharge your own life, you are no good to your family or those around you.” That made sense, if you avoided the potential for selfishness.
But over the last 20 years as I’ve sought to reinvent myself – a few times over, I’ve come to a completely different conclusion. I’m not saying this will work for everyone, but it is working well for me. It is a combination of the above.
God, family, work. This is the order I have to put things in order to feel complete, successful, and balanced. This is what has worked for me.
When I say God, I don’t mean church. Church can be a tool to find God, but obviously there can be other tools that may be more effective for different people. I find, that when I am connected to my Creator, I make better choices, am healthier (mentally, socially, spiritually, and emotionally), and this makes me a better person to be around.
When I am recharged spiritually, I am a better father, a better husband, and a better friend. I am less inclined to make the kind of choices that made me unfit to father children just two decades ago. Plus, I am less selfish and more devoted to the needs of my family. By putting God first, I am able to be more for my family.
Then, last, is my work. My fire chief friend said he worked so much so he could provide for his family. That sounds a lot like what my Dad used to say. But the fact remains, my wife and kids would rather have my time than the stuff that I can buy for them. They don’t want a bigger house, a cooler car, or more toys (not that they’d turn them down) – they want me. They want my time, my attention, and my love.
Now, if I were the same jerk I was trying to be twenty years ago, they might prefer if I was at work more. But because of the direction God is taking me, I find this most amazing, people want to be around me now. I’m no longer the angry, young rebel who is trying to fix the world.
God, family, then work. The reason this works is because God has my best interests in His heart.
Confessing my Dad Attitude 